I had to choose something as a way for making titles to this novel.
At 10.35 PM my last message was sent to her. Some time later she went offline. Not available was written in that messenger. And I wrote a poem with the name NA. And I had to choose some numeration for my novel. When I smoked and stared at the beautifyl moon I thought that I need to come to the zero. I need to come to the zero point. So I will start from “-1035” and then hopefully I will reach this zero point. It could have been 22:35 and it would make my journty to the zero twice harder.
Is it harder to live when she is online? Will I tend to resist the will to start the conversation? Do I need to resist it? It’s easier to write “Hi” and wait for the possible responce. And I did it.
But no responce till now and the fact that she never, NEVER starts talking. Me is the one who always has to take initiative and all these initiatives lead to the worst.
The desires must not transfer into goals. 12:43 and she is offline once again. And there was one idea to discuss, the idea which I do not wish to discuss with anybody else. The ideas are circulating always inside of my brain, insided of my mind. Even when I’m asleep, they keep to form my second part of self – subconscious. I could be terrified when I realize how many ideas have died without being realized. I have to note them? Then I have to become full-time write of ideas. But who will start to implement them? I would have no time. So nobody. Well, I need to sort ideas.
Eh maintenant, Sorte! (fr.)